So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
