I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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