just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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