Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
