Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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