if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
