if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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