Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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