I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
