i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
