I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
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