Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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