If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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