its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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