Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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