whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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