You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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