haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
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