I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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