How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
