I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
