I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
ugly people sure do ruin things
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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