kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
