Welp...herpes.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
