for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
