I want to make a zoo with you.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
