I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
