yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
