can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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