apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
