She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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