Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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