you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
