There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
