So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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