this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Pooping to opera.
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