If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
