I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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