so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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