if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
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