just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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