I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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