sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
