My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
