Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
