I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
