Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
