i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
