Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
COCAINE IS GR8
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
