I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
