So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
